Thinspo Journal

Some of these pictures have a glare >_< Also, I took these quotes from either myself or girls that I follow on Tumblr and Twitter. You might see your quote on here :) sorry that your name/URL isn't by it.

Black sketch book aka Thinspo Journal. I don't know what I want to put on the cover yet.

"I've always known it was laughable to wash down several slices of deliciously fattening pizza with a diet soda."

"Pretty Perfect"

"Sometimes I eat something bad because I don't want "IT" to control me. So I eat to rebel against it. But the truth is I want "IT" to control me because then I'll be skinny." 

     The words in BOLD are the magazine cut-outs. The magazine cut-outs say the quote that's written below.

     "I eat bad I want control. I rebel against the truth I want control I'll be skinny."

"As long as you are doing something because you love it, it can never be the wrong choice."

"Welcome to my life, I run on coffee and live to be model thin." 

(I think SkinnySweetpea said this) 

"I do it for fashion. I want to be skinny. I will not stop." 

"She lives with great discipline. She has a passion for perfection."

Life

Happy (late) Holidays!

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. It was nice seeing family as well as a bit stressful. I get stressed out whenever I'm around a lot of people for a long time. Plus things in my family move slowly. On Christmas Eve it took us about 3 hours to open presents and on Christmas Day it took about 90 minutes, not as bad. Christmas will always be my favorite holiday though :)

This will probably be my last post from 2010! Yay! Thank goodness 2010 is almost over. It was a shitty year for my family. My dad has been out of work for awhile now and on top of all that, just about ever major appliance broke... the TV, the microwave, the water heater, the furnace and the oven. Everything has been replaced or fixed but it was still a pain. Also, my grandpa died in October which is still very difficult for my family.

The day after Christmas, I went to my cousin's house to watch her dog while she was away for the night. On Monday I found out that my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years wanted to break up with me :( and then on Wednesday I found out I got laid off from my "perfect" job. I was so sad. Plus, I found out about the job right before I went into my boyfriend's apartment. Not the best timing. I had to take a couple of minutes to compose myself so I wouldn't be a mess when I walked in to talk to my boyfriend.

I wanted to play the role of "hurt but doesn't show it" when I walked into see him. I let out a lot of emotion when we talked previously on the phone and when I saw him I wanted to remain calm so I could think straight. We had a couple of things to sort out and I wanted to make sure everything got handled in the way it should be handled.

I've been busy and stressed out lately. I'm hoping that 2011 will bring me a new job that I love just as much as my other one, along with a new body and being debt free. Hopefully 2011 will be a good year.

*please be a good year*

I hope everyone has a good and safe New Years Eve!

Personal Photos of Me

I'm thinking about posting personal photos of myself on here such as the outfits I wear etc. I really want this blog to be more personal to me and it would be nice to be able to look back on it from a year from now. If I decided to do this, it will be very difficult for me seeing as privacy is very important to me also because I'm not 100% comfortable being in front of a camera. However, I think it would make me step outside of the box and challenge me.

Winter Wonderland

Today I woke up to the first snowfall of December. I took a minute to breathe in the cool fresh air, I could almost taste winter. The sky was colorless, in fact to most, it looked quite bleak, however to me, it was beautiful. I was taken into a black and white world today, white sky, white ground, white tress and the black pavement. It was cold but beautiful. This is why I love Winter. It's silent on days like these and I promise, you can almost hear the snow flakes falling from the sky and landing gracefully into the palm of your hand. Perfect snowflakes in the shape of stars.

Lately

Things have been stressful for me. I had everyone breathing down my throat telling me to get a job and thinking I was lazy because I didn't work. It's not that I didn't want to work, it's just because I'm picky, even though I shouldn't be, especially in my situation. Anyway...

I just got hired at my favorite store!!! I'm so happy. 

I was thrilled when I got the call tonight. She gave me my schedule for this week and it's pretty nice. So now that I know I'm working there, I'm going to buy another pair of jeans tomorrow and then buy some other things for my grandma's house. I'll probably stay at her place when I have work 2 or more days in a row since it's 45 minutes away from my house and only 10 minutes away from hers. I'm just really happy. This is awesome! 

I haven't really been posting as much as I would like too. Lately it seems like my mind has been everywhere and I can't ever gather my thoughts. Hopefully I'll start posting again soon.

Followers

If you follow me and I'm not following you back it's because I don't know how :/ but if you leave me a comment giving me your URL then I will follow you, I promise :)

Lomography

I signed up for a Luuux account and started looking at items for my wish list when I came across the Diana Mini as one the items that could be purchased. From that point on, I have spent well over 15 hours researching the Diana+ and the Diana Mini along with Lomography.

I truly fell in love instantly. I want this camera so bad. The pictures that this camera produces are so dreamy and romantic. I am sooo excited to buy this!

I can't wait to take pictures with in the city :)

Does Happiness Really Exist?

I sat there, in a dimly lit room, my desk was a corner unit. Every so often I would look out the window. It's dark now, so all I could see was my reflection. My reflection when I'm sitting which is unsightly.

"Ann is the friend that everyone wishes they could have. She pries the truth out of you in a nurturing way and then stays around to clean up the tears."

I read this and stopped. I stopped. It reminded me of him. It reminded me of Nick. I read these two sentences over and over again and then paused for a minute and looked back out the window. That was the real reason why I didn't try harder to make it work with Nick. These two sentences had Nick all over it. That's how he was. No matter how bad the truth was or how worried he would be of the outcome, to find out what lies I had told him, he would still get it out of me and stay around to clean up the tears, the mess, that I created.

I constantly ask myself if happiness really exists. The truth is, it does. I know this first hand, it's something I thought I had experienced many times before but the truth is, I truly began to understand what true happiness meant when I started to spend time with Nick. Still, to this day, after everything that has happened, I still think he's my true love. That "one and only, can't get enough of" true love.

A slight smile comes across my face as I remember the time I spent with him. I bite my lower lip, without intention, and start to think about everything we've been through.

I believed he saved me. He saved me from life. He saved me from myself. I don't think I could ever be with him, even in a perfect world, if everything was absolutely perfect, I don't think I would want too. Too many memories would remind us both why we stopped talking to begin with. His are very different from mine but I couldn't, I couldn't be what I needed to be at that time. I couldn't be there for him like I needed to be.

Never in my life was I happier. The way he made me laugh, even now, it still amazes me how someone could make me laugh like that. He was witty and understood me. He was smart and loved me. He was honest and cared for me.

I was a liar and he forgave me...

Dinner

I ate. Not a lot. In fact, I stayed within my caloric limit for the day, well to some extent. I was allowed 300 calories today but ate 400. I'm not mad because the truth is, I try to stay under 500 calories unless if my diet states that I should eat more on a particular day, then I do.

Anyways, back to dinner.

Dinner was disgusting. I saw the mashed potatoes on a plate in a shape of an omelet with a line of grease outlining it on the plate. It looked gross, in fact, it looked exactly like the fat I was trying to get rid of on my body that sits there like it's waiting for some sort of parade or something.  However, if you know my dad's cooking, sometimes his food looks gross when he's experimenting with a new recipe and it usually tastes amazing. I gave his greasy potatoes a try. As quickly as they went down my throat they quickly came out.

Lesson learned: Stick to the plan written out the day before and this problem should not happen again.

The Bite Diet

I wish they would come out with something called the bite diet. I've thought about this for awhile and if they did come out with it, it would be really expensive. It would be advertised towards people trying to lose weight or heavily restricting. It would come in a container with 10 slots. Each slot would have a bite sized piece of food with the calories labeled on it. It could be anything from steak, a cheeseburger, cheesecake, etc.

It would literally be one bite. I think it would help cravings. When I was living out of state for awhile with my boyfriend, I would restrict all day and then he would make a steak. I would have the smallest bite and that would be good for me. Or if he made pasta, I had one forkful and that was it. It helped soooo much. Anything he ate, I had one bite of it. It was really perfect actually. However, it annoyed the crap out of him, always asking for a bite of his food, but that bite of steak or pasta was way better than my slice of 30 calorie cheese with 5 crackers so it was worth it.

All these photos can be found on my Flickr :)

I took these while I was at a pumpkin patch.

I need Skinny

I feel like I've been out of the loop. I have still been around, but I feel like I'm not all there and not as dedicated as before. I started to slack off around my birthday and never really got back on track. Then my grandpa passed away and obviously I wasn't doing anything to help myself lose weight.

I want to change all that. I'm not going to say some crazy plan that I'm going to do because every time I make a big statement like, "Only apples and water" or "Only water and coffee," I fail.

So here's the truth. I will mess up. I don't want too but it will probably happen. I'm not OK with it, but I am human and humans mess up. Here is my plan. From today to Sunday I'm going to do The Killer and The Survivor twice a day on alternating days and that's it. Then on Monday, I'm going to start the 30 day Shred over and stick to that workout ONLY. Before, I tried doing too much and it only made me fail.

As far as my caloric intake, I don't think I'll do any ONE specific diet. I'll just restrict. Some days I might eat 500 calories, some days I might eat apples only. I don't know. I hope this works out. I want to lose at least 25 pounds by the end of the year AT LEAST. Honestly, I could do 40 if I stick to my plan exactly but I don't want to make any BIG statements here because that only gets me into trouble.

I will do this. I want to be skinny. I'm tired of living this way. It may take longer than I thought and that sucks but I've taken too much time off from doing this. I've been the same weight for a month now and honestly, it's because I haven't been putting in the work.

So this is it.

I need Skinny.

Work

I just got an e-mail today from my favorite store telling me that they're hire. Earlier on Tumblr I was talking about how I wasn't sure if I was going to apply because it's so far away but I think I'm going to do it.


Cons:
-I would have to stay with my grandma (she only lives 10 minutes away from the mall and I live an hour-- This is a pro and con, pro because I can help her out with everyday things, con because she stresses me out and she has no internet... Hello Starbucks!)
-Shitty parking lot (prone to accidents during the holiday season)
Pros:
-I would get to wear all the clothes that I buy from there (no work uniform needed!)
-I love the store I would be applying at (it's the only place I shop)
-It's a job (so I would be making money while working at my favorite clothing store)

I'm kinda excited. I'm going to fill out the application tonight and then turn it in when I go to my grandma's next week. I really hope I can get a job there. I could wear a different outfit for 2 weeks straight without repeating, I know that doesn't sound like a lot but it's a lot for me compared to what I used to wear.

Burned

This is the warehouse that just burned down.

Another shot of the warehouse.

Love.

Now or Never

It's either now or never. That's how I feel.

Anyhow, tomorrow I'm eating 3 apples, one for each meal, along with 2 coffees. I just made a list of 5 different coffees that I want to try that are low in calories. I'm going to rate them in my notebook as I try them and then whichever one wins will be my new coffee :) I used to always get a white chocolate mocha with nonfat milk and no whip cream but I just looked it up on their site and it's still a lot of calories, I didn't know that :/ So now I'm on the hunt for a new coffee, I really try to stick to under 150 calories when drinking coffee. It usually ends up being between 90-130 calories AND I use it as a meal replacement. It fills me up because of the protein which really helps.

Tomorrow I'll be busy with sending out thank you notes, e-mails and walking my puppy.

Animals

Froggy! This little guy scared me at first :)

I love watching ducks, they were heading towards the water. I think the green on their face is so pretty.

Shoes ♥

I customized these awhile ago. I LOVE these shoes.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I just signed an online guest book for my grandpa, it's something that I've been putting off for awhile because I  knew it would bring back all the emotions that I've been feeling. Tomorrow will be tough with the funeral and everything. Afterward, there's a dinner that we're all attending but I don't even want to go. I seriously just want to get all my emotions out at the funeral and then just go home and go to bed.

Tomorrow will be very difficult.

God, please give me strength.

My Room ♥

My room! I LOVE Lauren Conrad and Wintergirls ♥

I keep all my VOGUE magazines here and the 2 white binders are my inspiration books for hair, makeup, poses, accessories, and everything else. I take these with me when I go on photo shoots; very helpful when styling and taking pictures of models. 

 

This Ones for You

A lot has been going on lately. Recently my grandpa passed away so I've been dealing with that. He was a good grandpa and whenever my brother and I would go over there, my grandparents would take us to a different park every time :) and we always had so much fun with them. I know my grandpa is in a better place and people in my family are happy that he is no longer suffering. However, I know I'm being selfish here, but I just wanted one day with him. Just one more day to hold his hand and tell him I love him.

I loved my grandpa so much. He was so funny. Whenever we played cards, everyone would be talking except him and he would always win :) We thought it was because he was focusing on the game but the truth is, he was just a bad ass like that. I love my grandpa and I will miss him very much.

Today I bought a sketchbook and some watercolors. I've always wanted to paint but I thought, "Eh, I'm not good at art so why bother," but today I bought it anyways. My grandpa was an amazing painter. I painted a little today, nothing fantastic or anything and honestly, my sketch book will probably turn into a thinspo book, but painting helps and I'm a firm believer that color therapy really helps.

I love my first painting :)
Papa I love you, this ones for you.

Autumn

I took these pictures on a cool autumn day in my town. These 2 places are some of my favorite places to go.

South End Park. I love when the leaves start changing colors.

South End Park. This flower is gorgeous and I love the way the light hits the petals.

Raceway Woods. Lens Flare ♥

Raceway Woods. The long path home.

Raceway Woods. I felt like these berries almost spoke to me. In the midst of all the green leaves were these bright little berries.

What's in My Bag

• Olsenboye Bag
• Wallet
• Makeup bag
• Notebook & Pen
• Makeup Brush
• Eyeshadow
• Powder
• Lotion
• Pencil Lead
• Business Card Holder
• Blush
• Tampon
• Pen
• Chapstick
• Antibacterial Hand Gel
• Gum
• Blackberry <3
• Keys
• Organic Lip Balm
• Hair Tie & Hair Claw
• Wisp (mini toothbrushes for on the go)

Off to Bed

I hope tomorrow is better and I hope when I wake up I find out that my grandpa is OK. I love him so much and he is such a good grandpa.

Also, tomorrow I'm going to workout, call the places that I interviewed at, do some light grocery shopping and possibly get my nails done. I'm really thinking about getting them taken off for good, but I've had them for over 7 years, it's like a part of me. I know that sounds stupid but having nails makes your hands look so feminine and delicate. <3

Side note* My mom just texted me (first time since she left to see my grandpa at 6:30 pm) and asked, "Who got voted off from Dancing with the Stars?" I told her but I'm thinking, "What the fuck? How's grandpa? Who cares about DWTS!" Anyhow, she just told me that he's finally resting so that's good. Hopefully he wakes up with a smile on his face, Although I perhaps that's wishful thinking. 

Goodnight xx

Please, Don't Go

I write this while tears fall from my swollen eyes, reaching for the last tissue from my floral tissue box.

My mom just came into my room, eyes filled with tears, voice cracking as she speaks. She tells me the horrible news. I think, "This can't be true, this cant be true. Not today." We were supposed to see him today but my mom felt tired so we didn't go. She's a nurse and works night shift and she just worked 6 nights in a row so she had every right to stay home and take a lazy day. I think my grandpa (my mom's dad) might die tonight. If my grandpa dies tonight, I know my mom will have feelings of regret along with dealing with depression. I, myself, will have the same feelings as well.

I dealt with something very similar to this with my other grandpa (my dad's dad). He came to my graduation party and said something to me that was very sweet and heart felt and if you knew my grandpa, he wasn't like that. He wasn't necessarily sweet. I blew him off that day. I was a kid, well 18, but I felt 15, it was my party and I had friends over and family. I was selfish and didn't take the time to hug him or tell him that I love him or even have a conversation with him. I blew him off. He died a week later.

As tears rolled down my cheeks I held his had and whispered, "I love you."

The truth is, there is so much more I want to say. I'm mad. I prayed last night, I prayed for my grandpa, "God please don't let my grandpa die, he still wants to do so many things in life, please." I begged him so my grandpa can't die. Not tonight. Not tonight.

I won't make it through the funeral, I really won't. 

Finally

After a long debate between me and myself, I decided to make a new blog. I want this blog to be 100% me. I feel like with my old blog I started to censor myself and I don't want to have to do that. The whole point of a blog is to let everything out and to be YOU. I couldn't do that with my other one which was a shame. I started out 100% honest and then it turned bubblegum which I hate!

Anyways, my dad is calling my down for dinner. Updates later :)