Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Does Happiness Really Exist?

I sat there, in a dimly lit room, my desk was a corner unit. Every so often I would look out the window. It's dark now, so all I could see was my reflection. My reflection when I'm sitting which is unsightly.

"Ann is the friend that everyone wishes they could have. She pries the truth out of you in a nurturing way and then stays around to clean up the tears."

I read this and stopped. I stopped. It reminded me of him. It reminded me of Nick. I read these two sentences over and over again and then paused for a minute and looked back out the window. That was the real reason why I didn't try harder to make it work with Nick. These two sentences had Nick all over it. That's how he was. No matter how bad the truth was or how worried he would be of the outcome, to find out what lies I had told him, he would still get it out of me and stay around to clean up the tears, the mess, that I created.

I constantly ask myself if happiness really exists. The truth is, it does. I know this first hand, it's something I thought I had experienced many times before but the truth is, I truly began to understand what true happiness meant when I started to spend time with Nick. Still, to this day, after everything that has happened, I still think he's my true love. That "one and only, can't get enough of" true love.

A slight smile comes across my face as I remember the time I spent with him. I bite my lower lip, without intention, and start to think about everything we've been through.

I believed he saved me. He saved me from life. He saved me from myself. I don't think I could ever be with him, even in a perfect world, if everything was absolutely perfect, I don't think I would want too. Too many memories would remind us both why we stopped talking to begin with. His are very different from mine but I couldn't, I couldn't be what I needed to be at that time. I couldn't be there for him like I needed to be.

Never in my life was I happier. The way he made me laugh, even now, it still amazes me how someone could make me laugh like that. He was witty and understood me. He was smart and loved me. He was honest and cared for me.

I was a liar and he forgave me...

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