Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Please, Don't Go

I write this while tears fall from my swollen eyes, reaching for the last tissue from my floral tissue box.

My mom just came into my room, eyes filled with tears, voice cracking as she speaks. She tells me the horrible news. I think, "This can't be true, this cant be true. Not today." We were supposed to see him today but my mom felt tired so we didn't go. She's a nurse and works night shift and she just worked 6 nights in a row so she had every right to stay home and take a lazy day. I think my grandpa (my mom's dad) might die tonight. If my grandpa dies tonight, I know my mom will have feelings of regret along with dealing with depression. I, myself, will have the same feelings as well.

I dealt with something very similar to this with my other grandpa (my dad's dad). He came to my graduation party and said something to me that was very sweet and heart felt and if you knew my grandpa, he wasn't like that. He wasn't necessarily sweet. I blew him off that day. I was a kid, well 18, but I felt 15, it was my party and I had friends over and family. I was selfish and didn't take the time to hug him or tell him that I love him or even have a conversation with him. I blew him off. He died a week later.

As tears rolled down my cheeks I held his had and whispered, "I love you."

The truth is, there is so much more I want to say. I'm mad. I prayed last night, I prayed for my grandpa, "God please don't let my grandpa die, he still wants to do so many things in life, please." I begged him so my grandpa can't die. Not tonight. Not tonight.

I won't make it through the funeral, I really won't. 

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