I'm Thinking What the Hell

6 voice mails and 25 minutes later I realized something. What is it that I want and why do I keep going back to the same issues, the same problems, the same failures? Am I addicted to this kind of pain that makes me feel worthless?

I find myself wondering what is love, I even hate having to say this because honestly, those who are in love know it, they just do, but here's the thing, I've been in love, or so I thought and I'm still trying to figure out what it really is. Is love a passion? Is it an understanding that you have with another person? Is it a lie we tell ourselves, something to believe in to get us through our day? I do believe in love, that true love, that gotta have it right now, I'm so into you, kind of love but also that kind of love where, things may not be going to great right now so we need to put in some effort. Now here's where things get tricky, trying to decipher between this intense love and lust.

I think we lose ourselves in lust and hope to find love but where is this love? Sometimes I get little tastes of this love and I feel like I understand it but then life happens and I lose sight of things.

People live their lives in two different ways, those who feel and those who don't. Those who feel, boy, do they get fucked over. You can always spot these people no matter where you are. They're the ones holding the camera while snapping away at natures gifts to us, they're the ones that take the extra second to smile at a stranger. Those who don't feel, they're easily spotted as well. They're the ones telling the person with the camera, to hurry up and take the picture already, who try to avoid eye contact with someone just because they're worried about that awkward feeling of what if I smile and they don't smile back. That's how you can spot these two types of people out.

I used to be that person, the person who didn't feel. Yeah I cried, got mad, felt pain but it was because I got caught or something bad was happening to ME. The thing is, when you're the one who feels, which I think I am now, you feel everything, passion towards another person, sadness because the one you love is sad and so on.

After living in these two different worlds, and yes I call them worlds because that's what it is, I've started to ask myself, which is better? When you feel, it's amazing; happiness, laughing... it takes you to a level that you didn't even know existed, it's a high, but when your sad, the pain goes through each part of you like a knife. However, when I was the person who didn't feel, the high that one should get from being happy, wasn't as high as it should be, and I when I felt pain, I was able to block out the world so that no one could touch me.

After all this time, all this time! I can't figure out what's better. It's so easy to not care, to go through life having an OK job, an OK life. For example, there's a girl who wants to be dancer, she would kill for it and has the body for it, but her parents and her head is telling her to go into business, that's where the money and security is after all. What does she do, she goes into business. She's wants a less than practical car that she worked hard for but she goes for the practical 4 door sedan. She meets a guy who is on her level, sexually, mentally and emotionally and she chooses the guy who she has to pay off his debt because he can't hold down a job.

This is what I'm talking about. It's easier to go with the flow instead of going outside the box to find out who you really are. Life hurts right now. I know if I go back to not feeling, I'll stay that way forever and honestly, right now that would be so easy. However, right now, I do feel. I'm trying to take the steps that are needed in order to have the life I want but at the same time I keep wanting to go back to my old ways, the easier route. For example, with the man who shared the last 4 1/2 years with me, deep down, I know I wasn't in love with him. I loved him and still do but it's the same love that I have for a friend and yet I keep trying to fix things and go back with him even though I know, if we were to be together again, we would be in this same exact spot a year from now or even 6 months from now. I keep holding on to a failure because I'm afraid of another failure, but at the same time, that other failure, could end up being the greatest success of my life.

There's only one way to find out. You know that saying, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade? Well I've been given a whole bag of lemons and I'm just trying to make one glass of lemonade to get me through today.

Goodnight.